Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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