you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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