He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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