Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
