I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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