Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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