I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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