I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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