If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
