I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
