remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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