I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
