i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
