Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
