last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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