I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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