I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
