i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
