I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
how drunk are you?
Several
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
