I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
