And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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