You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
