At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
