There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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