I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
