she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
