you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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