My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
