booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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