I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it wasn't lemon gatorade
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
