o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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