hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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