This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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