Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
