sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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