So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
