i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
