So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
