i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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