Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
