life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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