Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
