You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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