Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
where are my eyebrows?
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