I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
