i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
me + whiskey = a bad person
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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