first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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