my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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