Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
