And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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