i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
