Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
