If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
