This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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