Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
