the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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