I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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