I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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