Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
