I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
