i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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