A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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