just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
