Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
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it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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