Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
